A Positive View of Marriage for Aspies

There are few books or research reports showing a positive view of Autistics in marriage. The usual portrayal involves one partner who is neurotypical and the other as an undiagnosed/recently diagnosed Aspergers or Autistic. The Aspie in the scenarios has some extreme behavioral problems which the NT is hurt/confused/ready to divorce over. And the story is usually told from the NT perspective.

You can see how this would be unfair, especially for Aspies/Auties trying to find guidance in relational matters. We are 95% not like those extreme cases. So how do we find good examples of NT/Aspie or Aspie/Aspie relationships? I think those of us who are delightfully (notice I didn’t say perfectly) married need to speak up!

In my case, I am the diagnosed member of the marriage, while my husband has lots of Aspie traits. We have been married for almost two years. It really has been that long! Time flies when you are having fun. 🙂

What keeps us together and happy is having many interests in common. This might seem like common sense to everyone, but for Aspies/Auties, I believe this is a crucial element of a close relationship. We thrive in our special fascinations. If my interest were sewing quilts and Jeff’s interests had nothing to do with fabric, we would be hard pressed to share time together. Our respective accouterments of interests would compete for space (uuhhh, it already does, but still). We would get testy. Those small threads of commonality might break. Ugly.

Aspies also use their special interests to communicate with the world. If you both speak a different “interest language”, you might have difficulties in other parts of your marriage. We have quite a bit in common and some things that are not. For instance, here are our shared interests:

  • Our Christian faith (Essential)
  • Love of learning new things
  • Hiking
  • I cook/bake, he likes to eat!
  • Visiting museums
  • Computers/games (me less so, but it is enough)
  • Good music (he plays guitar, I like to listen!)
  • Growing plants.

We also share common goals/visions of the future. We want to home school any children we might have (this is something we discussed before the wedding!) We want to be in the same ministries together. We both want a dog. Etc.

Then there are things we have less interest in common. This is ok, because we already have quite a large ‘island’ if you will, of shared mental living space. Jeff can be a pro at computers and I am glad to have a live-in geek. 🙂 I can sew a dress from scratch and he is happy to have his buttons sewn back onto his shirts. I am not threatened or an outcast from Jeff’s mental landscape just because he is better at/has more interest in something than I do.

Over all, we seek to be happy together because we like seeing the other person happy. I am Jeff’s cheerleader and he is mine. 🙂

Open to questions!


10 Responses to “A Positive View of Marriage for Aspies”

  1. 1 awalkabout April 28, 2008 at 7:53 pm

    How wonderful! This gives me hope for my little ones that they can find someone and be happy someday!! 🙂

  2. 2 cbrunette April 29, 2008 at 7:58 am

    I am sure they will be happy, single or married. Just make sure they have activities within their special interest so they can meet others like themselves.


  3. 3 Evonne May 21, 2008 at 10:35 am

    Yay for Aspie marriages! I second! And I find it apropos that the ring you used to illustrate the post has the most fascinating intricate patterns in it . . . 😀

  4. 4 Aysha June 5, 2008 at 3:00 pm

    well its really wonderful to hear that these marriages can actually work out. i’m trying so hard right now to keep my relationship going. my boyfriend was diagnosed with AS in his childhood. i have been going out with him for one and half years, its been a mix of very tough and very happy years. yay to aspie marriages. i keep praying to god mine works out too!!!

  5. 5 Nate Kowalik December 18, 2008 at 11:13 am

    Being a fellow Aspie, (and a married man,…..) I can tell you from experience that marriage between an Aspie and an NT who has a “Language Disability” (where she has difficulty in processing verbal and written directions and instructions) ain’t all primroses!

  6. 6 Jade Miller January 6, 2009 at 11:42 am

    Cool article! I too am an Aspie and I have read multiple books on the subject of Aspergers and marriage. Last year I went through a devastating divorce. We didn’t know that I had AS until marriage counseling and by then it was too late. I am currently in a relationship with a wonderful lady who has gone to great lengths to understand the Aspie mind. She lets me avoid social situations and keeps me on my routine. She doesn’t mind that I prefer to catalog my food pantry, dresser and just about everything else. She lets me collect my favorite color, green, and she loves my off beat since of humor. I say all this to simply state that we do have a chance at happiness. There are NT people in to world that will accept, and cherish our differences. It’s truly never too late to live happily ever after.

  7. 7 patricia February 17, 2009 at 11:48 am

    hi im delighted you found some one. the fact for me is different as i love a man i can’t have and i know he is aspie to some extent. he is very good with mechanical things and i never miss a chance to tell him that he’s great a fixing.he knows what i feel about him and in between moments of him going into his cave, he stays close. well i mean if we are at work together and we are in the office he will walk very close to me as to nearly touch me. he is very sexy, white hair fifty odd years old, mustache, big man especially stretches him self to full height when walking near me. all these things are small but show some kind of awareness. some times i have to wait for him to come back to me again. he is conservative/ jealous if i was sitting in another drivers taxi( we both drive for same company). he wants me to drive a certain vehicle and comes very quickly when i need help with something that doesn’t work on the car.at the begnning of all this i bought him a good lether wallet and he show me he uses it from time to time. he is a child to me. and a man to me.i know all this is not a reply but a story of my total softness on this man. i have such a hard time to resist touching him when the others are about, he has an odd side to me as some times he said to others i follow him about. but then he comes looking for me in the car, if i stay away from him as if playing hard to get he comes nearer me. its hard work and sometimes i have nerves in a state becauase of him, obviously i can’t tell anyone of this for certain but those i work with can feel and see it in my eyes when i look at him.they might know but i can not make them certain as i would have to worry about this and how it would effect things between us. and us and them. though i would love nothing more than to be able to talk about him. he is jealous of this other driver and does’nt want me in his car. i love knowing this but i wish i could have him to my self. i will end this here and please don’t be too critical of me . ive had my hard times.im not a husband robber as a pastime

  8. 8 Christina James March 14, 2011 at 9:40 am

    This is very insightful to me and gives me hope about my relationship. I am in the early stages of a NT-Apsie relationship and we both have much of the same interests. I’m the NT and had to learn about all the difficulties with having a relationship with an Aspie. Honestly, much of his nature I find quirky and charming. There is a few things we don’t share interests but we tend to focus on what we share. I’m hoping that our relationship grows into something more than what we have at the moment. We’ve already discussed and agreed to move in together.

  9. 9 Anastassia Charity Marie Florine July 4, 2011 at 6:05 pm

    I need to show this to my mother who thinks most Aspies never marry and that autism is the reason for that. I also need to show it to my son’s father, who was so pro-autisitc-rights when we got together but then told me once that autistics are more likely to be bad people.

  10. 10 Anna October 1, 2012 at 3:10 pm

    I have Asperger’s also and I’m still trying to find someone I can connect with I hope I can find someone as nice as your partners sound.

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"I can't say I don't believe in your God, but I don't believe He meant the world to be as it is." ~Nicholas Higgins. North and South.

"I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It's when you know you are licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what." No idea where that last quote came from, but I like it!

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