A Positive View of Marriage for Aspies

There are few books or research reports showing a positive view of Autistics in marriage. The usual portrayal involves one partner who is neurotypical and the other as an undiagnosed/recently diagnosed Aspergers or Autistic. The Aspie in the scenarios has some extreme behavioral problems which the NT is hurt/confused/ready to divorce over. And the story is usually told from the NT perspective.

You can see how this would be unfair, especially for Aspies/Auties trying to find guidance in relational matters. We are 95% not like those extreme cases. So how do we find good examples of NT/Aspie or Aspie/Aspie relationships? I think those of us who are delightfully (notice I didn’t say perfectly) married need to speak up!

In my case, I am the diagnosed member of the marriage, while my husband has lots of Aspie traits. We have been married for almost two years. It really has been that long! Time flies when you are having fun.

What keeps us together and happy is having many interests in common. This might seem like common sense to everyone, but for Aspies/Auties, I believe this is a crucial element of a close relationship. We thrive in our special fascinations. If my interest were sewing quilts and Jeff’s interests had nothing to do with fabric, we would be hard pressed to share time together. Our respective accouterments of interests would compete for space (uuhhh, it already does, but still). We would get testy. Those small threads of commonality might break. Ugly.

Aspies also use their special interests to communicate with the world. If you both speak a different “interest language”, you might have difficulties in other parts of your marriage. We have quite a bit in common and some things that are not. For instance, here are our shared interests:

• Our Christian faith (Essential)
• Love of learning new things
• Hiking
• I cook/bake, he likes to eat!
• Visiting museums
• Computers/games (me less so, but it is enough)
• Good music (he plays guitar, I like to listen!)
• Growing plants.

We also share common goals/visions of the future. We want to home school any children we might have (this is something we discussed before the wedding!) We want to be in the same ministries together. We both want a dog. Etc.

Then there are things we have less interest in common. This is ok, because we already have quite a large ‘island’ if you will, of shared mental living space. Jeff can be a pro at computers and I am glad to have a live-in geek. I can sew a dress from scratch and he is happy to have his buttons sewn back onto his shirts. I am not threatened or an outcast from Jeff’s mental landscape just because he is better at/has more interest in something than I do.

Over all, we seek to be happy together because we like seeing the other person happy. I am Jeff’s cheerleader and he is mine.

Open to questions!

Oppressed and Loving it!

Jeff and I were standing in line at Braum’s for some ice cream a few weeks ago when the thought occurred to me,

“I bet many people see me as an ‘oppressed, uneducated woman’ because I wear a religious headcovering.”

I shared this with dear husband. We laughed out loud over it!

If they only knew…

Hollins University is my Alma Mater. Can’t get much more ‘empowered’ than I’ve been.

That statement, or assumed thought, is so absurd in our case. We have an excellent relationship….even, dare I say it, egalitarian in many ways. Jeff is the kindest-hearted man I’ve known, a Mr. Steady through and through. He hardly ever insists I do anything, unless my life is in peril or I am in some grave spiritual error.

Do I dominate him? He doesn’t think so. We each have our strengths and weaknesses. He likes to know what the “To-Do” list is on Saturdays, or what the week is shaping up to look like. He asks me because I remember (mostly) and I know what needs to be done around the apartment. He is free to suggest activities or projects.

I serve him; he serves me. Its a pretty great marriage, from whatever angle you look at it.

Folks are just too polite to share their thoughts outloud. Sometimes I wish they would. What a shock and puzzlement they’d receive!

Do you think we go around life assuming too much, for fear of offending others?